Haven't posted in awhile..

New Year.
Awesome Girl in my life.

Shit is LG.

You lied.

You fronted.

You pretended.

You sneak dissed.

You have 2 faces.

You are selfish.

You plotted.

You schemed.

You wanted your cake and to eat it too.

You got deleted.

Fuckin' Shit On.

There was a time in my life when I would wakeup everyday and send a text out to everybody in my phone. It was a very encouraging text. Trying to inspire people. I took my time outta my day to send it, and respond to the people who responded back.

What I get out of it? Not a fucking thing.

Fuck up thing is.. When I did this, I was in a very bad way personally. I was homeless and crashing on Leigh's couch. I didn't have a car and was waiting tables. Still, I wanted to help my friends.

Years later I still try and help. Still aint getting a goddamn thing out of it. Just some fucking bullshit accusations and motherfuckers putting shit on me.

Fuck Yall.

Don't goddamn motherfucking ask for shit, if 1. You don't wanna hear or listen. 2. In the end your just gonna go back to what the fuck you was doing in the first goddamn place.

Yall motherfuckers don't invite me to shit. Don't fucking include me. I don't fucking cry about this shit. When you come to me I don't act like a fucking bitch. I'm just me. Got a smile on my fat fucking face and a couple fucking dollars in my pocket. I'll cop your dinner, I'll cop your movie ticket. I don't fucking complain to you about my fucking problems.

Society got yall gassed up. Thinkin' you deserve some shit, thinkin' your right, thinkin' your better than most, thinkin' you got the right to pass some judgment in your twisted little.

I'm here to tell you.. Humble your fucking self. Stop with the fucking bullshit. Don't nobody in this world deserve a motherfucking thing. You don't get to act like a bitch when the shit don't go your way. Own up to your fucking mistakes..

So if I don't talk to you, it ain't cause I'm fucking plotting, it's cause IM NOT FUCKING TALKING TO ANYBODY. When I'm telling you some shit about what your doing ITS BECAUSE THATS WHATS REALLY GOING THE FUCK ON. If your fucking up. I'm gonna tell you. If you don't like, it ain't my fault your a goddamn sofftie soft cupcake.

Yall need to deflate your ego, let that gas out and get some consistency in your life. Yall ain't getting no younger.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Fuck it.

My name is Paul and Fuck Yall...

Jeremy Dustin Smith

Work

Got some things going down at work..

I got offered the busiest store in Dallas today. I start on the 1st. There is already a few people asking questions like "Why Jeremy?" These people have doubt. What they don't know is I been around. This is my ninth store. I have never been unsuccessful. These folks think their superstars..

You know what they are? Inconsistent.

I've been laying low for the past 2 years. Grinding it out. Consistently delivering quality results month in and month out..

If you were around when I cameback to Dallas in 2007 and saw what I did at Stonebriar then you know what is about to happen..

It's time to Flex and diminish the Doubt..

-Vegas

Sometimes..

I wish I could wakeup and really not give a shit.

That is all.

Push..

I don't know if any of you know this, but I'm fat and depressed and ugly and miserable. I've pretty much been miserable my whole life. I stay pretty upbeat most of the time. I use humor to disguise my anguish. I make jokes and talk a lot of shit. I talk about what I would do if I hit the lottery or if I didn't have to goto work. The lottery talk is mostly fantasy, it keeps my thoughts away from the constant negative/anxiety filled craziness running through my mind most of the time. When I can no longer stand to be upbeat and make jokes, I hide in my house and push people away. I push people away because I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt. I don't trust anyone. I am deathly afraid one day I will be like my Mom (god bless her.. I love her to death) and not leave the house for days at a time. On top of that fear, I know that like my mother, my aunt and their mother that I too am crazy, bipolar and suffer from ADD and can easily fall into drug dependency.

I am disconnected. I don't like people, I am very much judgmental and do not tolerate certain types of people. I am stubborn and my heart is filled with hate. I don't talk to my brother or sister very often. I love them to death, but feel like we grew apart from when were kids. Our adolescense was filled with a lot of fighting. I never got close to them. We don't hug or have family time. Even as I am typing this, I am nervous and anxious to the thought of being around them more and trying to become a "family." I really wish that I was raised a little different. I wish sometimes my parents didn't do drugs, that they set boundaries and were strict, that they had been more loving. Maybe I wouldn't be so disconnected from the idea of wanting to have a family or that I can grow close to someone. That I can have a real relationship with my brother and sister. Anyone reading this that knows my parents, knows that they are good people. My moms tactics were effective, she challenged me, and was not shy to talk about things other parents wouldn't. She was an awesome life teacher, from music to movies, driving to riding, sex and drugs and everything in between. She taught me how to effectively argue my point. She never told me no and always asked why. Most of you haven't known me since I was a kid, but she turned me into an adult before I was 10. When I should have been experimenting, I was making educated decisions based on what I knew the outcome would be, what my mom had shown me. When I should have been playing in the backyard, I was driving. (TO GODDAMN NORTH DAKOTA AT THE AGE OF 12) My brother and sister weren't raised like I was raised, they were babied more, and weren't left to make their own decisions. They weren't challenged like I was challenged by my mom. I think that's why they have a stronger sense of family. They just blindly jumped into it, having babies and getting married with no regard of the struggle. Where I was challenged as a baby, I was shown the ugly in the world, I was raised to make calculated, educated decisions. It has left me hesitant to the idea of a family, because I don't want to live through the struggle we lived through..

These feelings and experiences leave me not wanting to challenge myself anymore. I want to be stable. I want to feel "safe" My job is easy and I am good at it, so I stay put because I don't want to fail.

Sorry.

I don't wanna grow up, I want to be a Toys R Us kid..

-veg

I'm getting old.

I'm getting old. Not because I'm starting to look Stan more and more everyday. Not cause I can't deal with this Texas heat. Not cause I'm waking up earlier or yawning before 10pm..

I'm getting older cause I have less and less tolerance for these females.

Man.

I just want a girl that likes to chill and relax, goto Top Golf and the Movies, doesn't need to invite the world or pencil me into her social agenda.

She doesn't need to be a 10 piece, or even think she's a 10. I don't need her to tell everybody everyday how pretty she is or how her hair smells good. (Shit is annoying B)

She needs to enjoy watching Sports live and be ok with Tattoo's. Save the partying. Like I said, I don't need a girl that has to drink all day or can't have fun without a drink.

I don't wanna have to fight to see her. Social agenda's and calendar's are annoying. I would almost say that I could start fucking around with some fat girls, but I don't like them.

Anyways.. Done Ranting..

-veg