Push..

I don't know if any of you know this, but I'm fat and depressed and ugly and miserable. I've pretty much been miserable my whole life. I stay pretty upbeat most of the time. I use humor to disguise my anguish. I make jokes and talk a lot of shit. I talk about what I would do if I hit the lottery or if I didn't have to goto work. The lottery talk is mostly fantasy, it keeps my thoughts away from the constant negative/anxiety filled craziness running through my mind most of the time. When I can no longer stand to be upbeat and make jokes, I hide in my house and push people away. I push people away because I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt. I don't trust anyone. I am deathly afraid one day I will be like my Mom (god bless her.. I love her to death) and not leave the house for days at a time. On top of that fear, I know that like my mother, my aunt and their mother that I too am crazy, bipolar and suffer from ADD and can easily fall into drug dependency.

I am disconnected. I don't like people, I am very much judgmental and do not tolerate certain types of people. I am stubborn and my heart is filled with hate. I don't talk to my brother or sister very often. I love them to death, but feel like we grew apart from when were kids. Our adolescense was filled with a lot of fighting. I never got close to them. We don't hug or have family time. Even as I am typing this, I am nervous and anxious to the thought of being around them more and trying to become a "family." I really wish that I was raised a little different. I wish sometimes my parents didn't do drugs, that they set boundaries and were strict, that they had been more loving. Maybe I wouldn't be so disconnected from the idea of wanting to have a family or that I can grow close to someone. That I can have a real relationship with my brother and sister. Anyone reading this that knows my parents, knows that they are good people. My moms tactics were effective, she challenged me, and was not shy to talk about things other parents wouldn't. She was an awesome life teacher, from music to movies, driving to riding, sex and drugs and everything in between. She taught me how to effectively argue my point. She never told me no and always asked why. Most of you haven't known me since I was a kid, but she turned me into an adult before I was 10. When I should have been experimenting, I was making educated decisions based on what I knew the outcome would be, what my mom had shown me. When I should have been playing in the backyard, I was driving. (TO GODDAMN NORTH DAKOTA AT THE AGE OF 12) My brother and sister weren't raised like I was raised, they were babied more, and weren't left to make their own decisions. They weren't challenged like I was challenged by my mom. I think that's why they have a stronger sense of family. They just blindly jumped into it, having babies and getting married with no regard of the struggle. Where I was challenged as a baby, I was shown the ugly in the world, I was raised to make calculated, educated decisions. It has left me hesitant to the idea of a family, because I don't want to live through the struggle we lived through..

These feelings and experiences leave me not wanting to challenge myself anymore. I want to be stable. I want to feel "safe" My job is easy and I am good at it, so I stay put because I don't want to fail.

Sorry.

I don't wanna grow up, I want to be a Toys R Us kid..

-veg