My Cock and a Urinal Cake.

Touch, feel, grab, taste, smell.. We use our senses to learn what will hurt, what is ok to touch and what can potentially fuck us up.

I like to think that I am one of the fortunate few who pick things up quicker than your average person. I take mental notes, I'm great with directions, I can remember phone numbers, I have a quick wit, and I have keen observation skills. Partner these traits with my life experiences and I usually have the right advice, opinion or story that can help guide you in the right direction..

Now, I'm gonna need yall to take notes..

Tonight, after watching episode 2 of season 3 of True Blood at BG's crib I had to go number 2. Now as you all know I moved outta BG's house, but him and B-Ho are my fuckin' brothers, so you know.. I hit the bathroom to take a fresh dook. Since I moved out though, Haylee moved in, she now shares the bathroom with B-Ho. The bathroom is alot cleaner, especially the toilet. Haylee hung a urinal patty right in the front of the toilet. With the lid down, I didn't notice the urinal pain inflictor.

I scope out the magazine collection, choosing some prime reading material to read while I dook, I sit down start dropping turd nuggets and am enjoying the article in the Hustler mag B-Ho has in the bathroom when...

MY DICK IS BURNING LIKE I FUCKED 3 WHORES WITH NO RUBBER THAT HAD FUCKED CHACE RAINS.

I'm starting to panic, put yourself in my position. I'm mid dook, my dick is burning and if I stand up I run the risk of shitting on the floor. Vegas, not one to ever let panic get the best of him in a crazy situation does keeps it 100.. Cool, Calm and Collected.

I tell myself..

Focus.

Finish the dook.

Wipe.

Flush.

Shuffle to the sink, and rinse the urinal patty residue off your dick.

Let me tell yall.. Having your cock come to rest on a Urinal Patty is fucking painful. It was like dipping it in gasoline or bleach.

Ladies, please. DO NOT PUT THE URINAL PATTY IN THE FRONT OF THE TOILET WITH THE SEAT DOWN. Even though the dude might just be a guest in your house, you don't want it to happen to the guy your fucking, cause yall sure as hell won't be fucking, and you might get a mouthful of toilet if you try and blow him.

Fellas, heed my warning, don't let it happen to you. Keep your game tight, lift the toilet seat and check for anything that can potentially burn your dick up..

-Vegas

The Water Bottle.

It's crazy how things happen. We live are life day to day and for the most part we have become confrontational and stand-offish. We aren't friendly anymore. It's unfortunate.

Earlier I posted a picture of a water bottle on my facebook. This water bottle just rocked my afternoon.

I clocked out of work at 6ish. I make my way to 75 north to head to the house and traffic is jammed pack. Now most of you that know me, know that Leroy Jenkins doesn't have A/C. Heading north on 75 at 615pm the sun is beating down on me, it's 95+ degrees outside, and I'm wearing a tie. Add a 1000 cars and miles upon miles of concrete and were busting 100 degrees in my car..

Well, I've had my thoughts that Leroy Jenkins might be on the brink of some catastrophic failure. The engine bay has been getting really hot, but my temp gauge hasn't really fluctuated much, so I've played it off.

Fuckin' Leroy Jenkins, you feisty hateful motherfucker. Leroy is a great car, but damn if he don't fight me. Broke down on the way to Georgia, every week some small shit breaks. He does it to spite me, to test my will, to see if I'm gonna fix him.

After sitting in the god forsaken heat for well over 30 minutes, moving feet at a time, because traffic is so bad, it happens. I hear a POP! Steam, water and smoke are pouring out of my engine bay. Instantly I cut off the car to my right and get to the shoulder. I notice the car isn't smoking anymore and it's still running. Hit the hazard lights, pop the hood and what do I find??

My lower radiator hose has literally popped and split down the middle. I check the vitals on my motor and realize I am actually quite lucky. Replacing this hose is an easy fix. I make a couple calls, shoot a text message or 5 and one of my fellow Dynasty/BDS family members are making their way north to bring me the stuff I need to fix my car. COOL. Now, I just gotta wait..

The problem with waiting is I'm still in a tie, it's still hot as a fresh dook, and this traffic jam ain't going anywhere. So I'm standing outside of my car. I mean I actually had to take driver's ed. You know, where they actually teach what to do if something like this happens. I'm not gonna sit in my car and run the risk of getting hit by some fucktard trying to cheat the traffic. Well, needless to say people start stopping and asking me if I need help. Mostly hispanic people. Of course I don't need any help, so they go about their way..

Then, this older white guy stops. He doesn't ask me if I need help. He asks "Why are you standing outside of your car if you're just waiting for someone to bring you parts?" I respond, because when I took driver's education I was taught that you face serious injury and maybe death if you are sitting in your car and some dumbass driver hits you. I would rather be able to see any cars coming and if they are going to hit me, I can easily avoid death." Needless to say he went about his business..

At this point, the tie has been untied and the top button has been unbuttoned. It's hot, monkey tits hot. The sun still hasn't set, and I've been cooking for close to an hour and half at this point since leaving work. When a bigass Cadillac Sedan Deville riding on what had to be 26's whips outta traffic and parks in front of me. This big black dude hops out, probably in his mid thirties and asks if I need help..

Caddy Driver - "What's going on with your ride? Everything good?"

Me - *Showing him the hose* "Yeah, my lower rad hose was probably old as hell, and it busted, luckily my friends are better than your average and I got a new one on the way.. Problem is they're stuck in this same traffic just way south of here.. I'm just chillin' really, waiting on them to show up.."

Caddy Driver - "Sounds like you got this under control. I just figured I would stop and see if you needed a hand, I'm a mechanic and figured I'd pass my time helping you than sitting in this traffic."

Me - "Hahahaha.. No doubt, I work on cars myself in my spare time. It won't take me long to fix, I just got sit here and wait on my fam."

Caddy Driver - *Walking to his car* "Well shit big man, I guess I'm gonna get on my way"

So at this point he's standing at his rear driver's side door. The window is down and he reaches in the back pulls out 2 bottles of water and tosses them to me.. He says.

"My pop always told me to help out when I could, and seeing that you know a thing or 2 about cars and my tools are no good here. It's hotter than muuaafucka out here and I can't drive away knowing I left you with no water.. Hope all goes well big fella.."

I just smiled, cause he knew how fucking hot I was. He hopped in his ride and just like a real motherfucker from the Great State of Texas he chunked deuce. While my left hand was turning the 1st water bottle up I chunked a deuce with my right..

I just want to say Thank You Sir.

Kobe will never be Michael.

I want to start this off by saying Kobe is just as good as Michael.

The reason why Kobe will never be Michael is because Kobe is the digital age. The time of technology.

Michael Jordan playing in the 90's allowed him to become a legend because of the lack of technology, or should I say the lack of middle america having access to Cable TV. During the 90's families didn't have the internet much less cable. The only time I got see Michael Jordan play was if the Bulls were playing on saturday on ABC or if they were in town to play the Mavs.

Because of the lack of Cable TV, you could rent VHS tapes showing the great plays throughout the basketball season. My friends and I called them "the Jordan tapes." On the weekend we would scrap together some cash, cruise down to the video store and rent the tapes. Stay up all night watching the tapes and then go out to the park and replicate all the moves and the plays. Besides the tapes, there was the Gatorade and Nike commercials to quench our thirst for wanting to see what MJ would do next.

Do you know who Ahmad Rashad is? I bet if you asked a kid today who he was they couldn't even tell you. Every Saturday morning I would make sure that I was in front of a TV so I could watch NBA Inside Stuff with Ahmad Rashad. That was my youtube, that was my internet.

Kobe unfortunately will never be the legend that Michael is because he lives in a viral world. Kids don't have the attention span to keep Kobe in their mind long enough to make him a legend. Of course his numbers will do his talking, the championships, the playoff performances. The problem is Kobe doesn't have the highlight reel that Jordan does..

Kobe doesn't have the "shoulder shrug" against Portland after scoring 63.

Kobe doesn't have the jumper at the free thrown line against Craig Ehlo in cleveland.

Kobe doesn't have the right hand to left hand switch lay up against Magic Johnson.

Kobe doesn't have the push off Byron Scott in Utah to win the titile in '96.

Kobe doesn't have the free thrown line dunk that became the symbol for Jordan Brand.

Kobe doesn't have the reverse layup against the Atlanta Hawks.

Jordan became a legend in the eyes of the kids in my generation because of how hard it was to see the amazing things he did. His highlight reel remains a constant in my mind because of how many times I watched those plays.. Watch it, rewind the VCR, watch it again. Kobe Bryant I believe will eventually own every record that Jordan does. Before it's said and done Kobe will be better on paper..

You know what Kobe won't have?

Mars Blackmon saying "It's gotta be the shoes"

Sorry Kobe you'll never be like Mike, like Mike, if you could be like Mike..

Can I be proud to be Texan?

This right here is something to be concerned about.. Unless you are a Far-Right conservative, and in that case, I don't know why you're reading my blog.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/12/texas-education-board-app_n_497440.html

Scope this out.

There are 2 things that really freak my out about this..

-The board removed Thomas Jefferson from the curriculum, replacing him with religious right icon John Calvin.

Thomas Jefferson was the principle author of THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE and 1 of the most influential Founding Father's of our Country.

Who is John Calvin?

I really cannot think of the words I need to write because I am in such disbelief right now. Christian Evangelicals and Far-Right Conservatives are trying to re-write American History filled with Propaganda.

"The Board refused to require that "students learn that the Constitution prevents the U.S. government from promoting one religion over all others."

"Numerous attempts to add the names or references to important Hispanics throughout history also were denied, inducing one amendment that would specify that Tejanos died at the Alamo alongside Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie. Another amendment deleted a requirement that sociology students "explain how institutional racism is evident in American society."

"Democrats did score a victory by deleting a portion of an amendment by Republican Don McLeroy suggesting that the civil rights movement led to "unrealistic expectations for equal outcomes."

Insight

I feel like I need to write something, something witty, something encouraging, something that will bring a smile to somebodies face. I can't. I'm sick and tired of things.

T.V

The News

Facebook

My Blackberry

I stay connected, I update my status, but there is nothing good. War, Hate, Drama, Scandal. What happened to the joys I had as a kid. When I could watch sports and not here about drug use? What happened to the happy stories on the news? Why do I feel that everywhere I turn someone is telling the person next to them they are wrong? This country is not proud, it's broken up into factions. Right Wing / Left Wing, Conservative / Liberal, White / Black. I'm tired of people looking at each other with disgust just because they don't agree with each other. It's terrible. Where is the love?

I'm done being positive for a bit, if you are around me, and you bring some negativity, you say something ignorant, you look at me with a disgusted look on your face, you bad mouth..

I'm going to make your mom and dad regret giving birth to you. Yall motherfucker's wanna see ugly? I got 250 pounds of straight terror, the ugliest of ug.

You ever have somebody break you down emotionally in 5 words or less? Come get some Bitch.

-veg

I Love..

I love my Mom.

I love chocolate milk.

I love Honda's.

I love Nike's.

I love Asian Chicks.

I love Moe's Burritos.

I love Hip-Hop.

I love talking shit.

I love Hispanic females.

I love making people laugh.

I love my nieces and nephews.

I love laughing at people.

I love shopping for new things.

I love Black honey's.

I love telling stories.

I love giving a subtle check to somebody getting loud.

I love my brother and sister.

I love overcoming objections.

I love White girls.

I love to argue for fun.

I love to argue when it's not fun.

I love not calling people by their real name.

I love watching movies.

I love reading.

I love knowing what the fuck I'm talking about.

I love to cuss.

I love how exciting college basketball is.

I love girls with big booty's.

I love my Pop.

I love playing Dominoes.

I love Stephen King books.

I love girls with ear plugs and tattoos.

I love Patron. Before rapper's said "gone off that patron."

I love being a car enthusiast.

I love cereal.

I love regular Nintendo.

I love New Era Fitteds.

I love having conversations with people about the Bible, cause they're crazy.

I love that I'm not afraid of confrontation.

I love Brown haired Brown eyed, big booty Texan girls.

I love making fun of people to make me feel better about myself.

I love that I live life not concerned about what people think of me.

I love that for every story I have, it involves at least 2 of my friends and might include one or two pairs of handcuffs and a police officer or 5.

I love our Beermas Tree.

I love High Definition TV.

I love saying the word "molly-whopped."

I love walking into a room full of people and the only person I know is King and we bust out a Dos Veces w/ a matrix in the middle.

I love wrapping houses in toilet paper.

I love bumping screw music.

I love moving with the change.

I love being open minded.

I love ladies with Green eyes.

I love my iPod.

I love my Blackberry.

I love M.C. Escher.

I love T-shirts.

I love blasting out dumbass text messages.

I love having a smile on my face.

-vegas

Effectively Communicating

I will be the first to admit that my grammar sometimes is pretty fucking terrible. I cuss way to damn much for the average person.

I am the fattest, ugliest, loudest, big fat piece of shit of anybody I know. I wanted to goto Vegas for my birthday but nobody could get along with anybody. "I can't go because so and so might go, and "if so and so goes there is gonna be a problem" blah blah blah blah blah. Fact of the matter is this, I participate. Birthday's, BBQ's, Vacations, Dinner's and Parties. Even if I don't like somebody I don't ruin if for everybody else by acting like a bitch.

With that being said, stop the texting, stop the facebooking, yall niggas got a problem with somebody or someone just ask them. It's not like its gonna be the end of the world if WE TALK IT OUT LIKE GROWN-UPS. I mean, I know it's a crazy concept, but work with me here.

Example...

There was a time in my life when me and Leigh Ann Faulkner weren't speaking, it was making motherfuckers uncomfortable. So, there I was at Rufus, Leigh and I are keeping a strong 30ft distance from each other. I had had enough, I walked my bitch ass over there and said.. "Leigh Ann, we been knowing each other way to long to not be speaking... We need to reconcile our differences like Nas did with Jigga.."

The world didn't end folks. If you know Leigh and you know me, then you know were cool as a Polar Bears toenails.

This is just 1 of my many approaches.

If you know Carlos and you know me.. Then you know we had some fistacuff's, some loud words, and few weeks of not speaking, but in the end.. Were cool..

If you know Eddie and you know me, we tell each other out loud in public places that we are gonna stab each other. It makes everybody around us uncomfortable as fuck, but thats how we make amends.

We are all getting older and some of us aint getting wiser. Let's get grown, too much hate, too much anger, too much frustration going thats causing a whole lotta wasted energy. We need to step our game up..

-vegas

The Cowboys are...

not your average..

They are not the Chiefs

They are not the Ravens

They are not the Broncos

They are not the 49ers

They are not the Giants

They are not the Raiders

They are not the Redskins

They are not the Bengals..

They aren't like your bullshit ass team, they my friend are a motherfucking Dynasty.

Throw your diamond in sky...

-veg