Push..

I don't know if any of you know this, but I'm fat and depressed and ugly and miserable. I've pretty much been miserable my whole life. I stay pretty upbeat most of the time. I use humor to disguise my anguish. I make jokes and talk a lot of shit. I talk about what I would do if I hit the lottery or if I didn't have to goto work. The lottery talk is mostly fantasy, it keeps my thoughts away from the constant negative/anxiety filled craziness running through my mind most of the time. When I can no longer stand to be upbeat and make jokes, I hide in my house and push people away. I push people away because I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt. I don't trust anyone. I am deathly afraid one day I will be like my Mom (god bless her.. I love her to death) and not leave the house for days at a time. On top of that fear, I know that like my mother, my aunt and their mother that I too am crazy, bipolar and suffer from ADD and can easily fall into drug dependency.

I am disconnected. I don't like people, I am very much judgmental and do not tolerate certain types of people. I am stubborn and my heart is filled with hate. I don't talk to my brother or sister very often. I love them to death, but feel like we grew apart from when were kids. Our adolescense was filled with a lot of fighting. I never got close to them. We don't hug or have family time. Even as I am typing this, I am nervous and anxious to the thought of being around them more and trying to become a "family." I really wish that I was raised a little different. I wish sometimes my parents didn't do drugs, that they set boundaries and were strict, that they had been more loving. Maybe I wouldn't be so disconnected from the idea of wanting to have a family or that I can grow close to someone. That I can have a real relationship with my brother and sister. Anyone reading this that knows my parents, knows that they are good people. My moms tactics were effective, she challenged me, and was not shy to talk about things other parents wouldn't. She was an awesome life teacher, from music to movies, driving to riding, sex and drugs and everything in between. She taught me how to effectively argue my point. She never told me no and always asked why. Most of you haven't known me since I was a kid, but she turned me into an adult before I was 10. When I should have been experimenting, I was making educated decisions based on what I knew the outcome would be, what my mom had shown me. When I should have been playing in the backyard, I was driving. (TO GODDAMN NORTH DAKOTA AT THE AGE OF 12) My brother and sister weren't raised like I was raised, they were babied more, and weren't left to make their own decisions. They weren't challenged like I was challenged by my mom. I think that's why they have a stronger sense of family. They just blindly jumped into it, having babies and getting married with no regard of the struggle. Where I was challenged as a baby, I was shown the ugly in the world, I was raised to make calculated, educated decisions. It has left me hesitant to the idea of a family, because I don't want to live through the struggle we lived through..

These feelings and experiences leave me not wanting to challenge myself anymore. I want to be stable. I want to feel "safe" My job is easy and I am good at it, so I stay put because I don't want to fail.

Sorry.

I don't wanna grow up, I want to be a Toys R Us kid..

-veg

I'm getting old.

I'm getting old. Not because I'm starting to look Stan more and more everyday. Not cause I can't deal with this Texas heat. Not cause I'm waking up earlier or yawning before 10pm..

I'm getting older cause I have less and less tolerance for these females.

Man.

I just want a girl that likes to chill and relax, goto Top Golf and the Movies, doesn't need to invite the world or pencil me into her social agenda.

She doesn't need to be a 10 piece, or even think she's a 10. I don't need her to tell everybody everyday how pretty she is or how her hair smells good. (Shit is annoying B)

She needs to enjoy watching Sports live and be ok with Tattoo's. Save the partying. Like I said, I don't need a girl that has to drink all day or can't have fun without a drink.

I don't wanna have to fight to see her. Social agenda's and calendar's are annoying. I would almost say that I could start fucking around with some fat girls, but I don't like them.

Anyways.. Done Ranting..

-veg

God doesn't want us to be friends..

Cause if he did. He would have given you a penis.

I absolutely positively will not be BFF's with a female. Sorry. Vegas don't fuck with that. We can be buddies, but that's about it. If I like you, I like you. End of story. There is no "let's just be friends" I am not your emotional stability.

-veg

Happy

I don't really know how to start this.

I guess I could start off by saying that I feel like I treat people right. I know in my life I have had my moments. I have been mean to people. I have been mean to girls, kids, old people. I am fully aware of what's going on, and what I am doing when I do it..

You know what really bothers me though??

When a girl tells me I make her happy. Let me rephrase that. It doesn't bother me when they say it, it makes me cautious. It makes me cautious because I am really good at making a girl feel special. I am thoughtful, I am sweet, I know what to say and when to say it. Honestly, all I want to do is make a girl happy. I want her to feel special. If I care about her, she should feel special.

But.

These girls these days. Don't know how to act. Unfortunately special, thoughtful, kind, caring.. Isn't good enough. These females always talkin' about how they want to be treated right. False. I hate to be that way, but the shit has to stop. LOL. I'm tired. Dudes are tired. I don't even wanna pick my damn phone up.

I guess it's my fault though. I've never been that hard ass guy that treated girls like shit. I've never really had too. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. That bitch stays in the left side of my chest where it belongs, right behind my sugar skull tattoo.

So, next time one of yall wants to tell me I make you feel special, just hold on to that thought, let the shit marinate in your head for awhile, cause 2 weeks later when you're doing you, you can cook that thought up and serve it yourself cause I don't make nobody happy. Only person can make you happy is yourself..

I remain,

Jeremy Smith

Family..

Who do you consider family??

Your actual family? Blood?

I have a different perspective than most. I consider the kids I grew up with my family. The kids that were banging around with me when our parents were drinking and drugging. The kids I played sports with until bedtime, wrapped houses with, played video games with. Protected, fought, and got in trouble with...

Last April I drove to Georgia with Mikuel, Seth rode with us, we dropped him off in Anniston so he could spend the weekends with his boys. I knew I was gonna be going through there so I asked Seth if he wanted a ride, cause I know he doesn't get back to Anniston very often cause of work and shit.. I been knowing Seth and Mike since we were babies. Like diapers. I spent my childhood with these cats and even though I don't see them very often. I consider them my brothers.

On the way to Georgia, we got into Jackson, Mississippi and my car broke down. It sucked, but just a bump in the rode, Mikuel had been sleeping most of the way.. Waking up when stopped and stuff. Anyways, we got through Birmingham and dropped Seth off in Anniston and were making our way to Atlanta and it was the first time during the whole trip that Me and Mikuel got to catch up.. I hadn't seen him in probably 6 or 7 years or so.. We were talking about Stan and Deanne, my baby sister and brother and their kids and stuff.. He was telling me about his little sister Alex and how much he loved her, and he was proud of Todd cause he was getting married to an awesome girl. We talked about Mike and Tracy and talked about the all the shit we did when were kids.

I had a great time in Georgia, I got to see everybody, helped out with Todd's wedding and kinda just stayed to myself a little cause I didn't wanna get in the way.. lol.

After Georgia, I kept in touch with Mikuel and he was supposed to come to Dallas and watch a Cowboys game but it didn't pan out, which was cool, cause I figured I would just catch him next time..

I read today that Mikuel passed away last night, and it has me fucked up. I haven't seen him in over a year now, but to me, there is a huge difference between a childhood friend and someone you meet later in life. It doesn't help that Stan and Mike Dobbs' have been friends for god knows how long and it sure as fuck didn't make anything easier thinking back to last April when we stopped in at Mom and Pop's and he stilled called my Mom Nanner.. My heart truly and deeply goes out to Tracy, Mike, Alex, Todd and Adam.. I've been in my own world all day. Thinking.

I've been thinking about all the kids I grew up with. The ones I loved since I was child. The ones I hope nothing bad ever happens too. The ones I know I would help/protect/lie for/feed/cloth/shelter if I could. Just cause I know my Dad would want me to, cause he would, cause they are my family..

Rest In Peace Mikuel.. Catch you on the flip homie..

-Jeremy

Stupid Ass Bitch

I need yall to know that I need some Xanax. LOL. I've been couped up in my house for like 3 days now. The idea of coming outside is not appealing. My anxiety has my patience so thin I can barely make it to work and back. I'm kinda cancerous right now.

Last night, I was watching CNN and they were covering the trial of Casey Anthony, if you don't know who she is, I'm not gonna feel you in.. Anyways, they had her mother Cindy Anthony on the stand and she was listening to her 911 tape. Apparently Casey's daughter had been taken by the nanny, whose name was "Zanny" 30 days prior and this was Cindy calling into 911 because apparently the babies mother Casey hadn't let anyone know..

I really don't give a fuck if you think I'm insensitive but REALLY CINDY?? YOUR FIRST RED FLAG SHOULD HAVE BEEN THAT THE NANNY'S NAME WAS "ZANNY THE NANNY" So this lady is balling on the stand and acting oblivious to the fact the her daughter clearly murdered her own daughter. It was driving me crazy. I guess I just don't trust anybody. I mean, if cruise up and my kid is like "Zanny the Nanny" stole my kid 30 days ago and I haven't been able to find her..."

I WOULD BUST THAT BITCH'S HEAD WIDE THE FUCK OPEN. The PO-lice wouldn't be trying Casey for murder they'd be charging me with Capital One..

Today, on the way to work, I'm sitting at the stoplight at Renner Rd and Jupiter. I'm jamming Lupe, enjoying my morning commute, thinking about this Sausage McMuffin I'm bout to devour. All of sudden this dude pulls up in an IS250.

The license plate said "Dnt Hte"

REALLY??? Bitch you are driving a goddamn stock Lexus IS250, act fucking Humble.. You 30K a year wanna be millionaire ass BITCH. I could see if you were rocking some Work VS-XX with some negative camber and rubberbands for tires. Maybe some rolled fenders or if you had just a bone stock IS-F, but you didn't... So here I am, hating on you cause you have a nice base with the IS, but goddamn.. Don't get the "Dnt Hte" plates on the stock ass ride.

Anyways, I'm done.. I'm gonna leave you with some nutritional listening and give me a day.. I'll be back to normal..